Endings

Nearly a year ago, I learned that my husband (of less than one year), had been having and emotional "affair" with one of his past employees.  I shouldn't have been surprised...in fact, I had an idea that something had been happening for months--actually since before we we're even married.  I supposed it started with meeting her for breakfast and not inviting me.  I mean, I was probably working, but an invitation would have been thoughtful.  I probably could have overlooked these meetings, though.  What really made me start questioning the nature of their relationship was his attachment to his phone--for someone who could never respond to my texts, he was SUPER attentive to his phone anytime we were both home (not to mention he made sure not to leave it around).  The brunch "dates" continued, but I attributed my concerns to my sometimes overwhelming and paralyzing anxiety and jealousy.  One Fall day, my husband brought this woman (after a breakfast date) to look at vehicles with him after his own needed to be taken to the junk yard.  Not me.  He rationalized that I was involved in the decision and helped him "look" because he brought the vehicle home to show me what he had found...

A couple months later, I was at work when he told me he had to take her to the hospital.  Apparently she was having an allergic reaction...and she called him (from 45 minutes away mind you), to come and get her and bring her to the hospital.  He stayed with her all day, brought her home and stayed with her to make sure she was OK, and then took her to the mall later because she needed makeup (...seriously?).  A friend ran into them at the mall (he hadn't told me about their mall trip yet) and brought it up to me.  When I spoke to him that night, I gave him chance upon chance to redeem himself..."do I have anything to worry about?" "is there something going on between you two?".  Words of denial kept flowing out of his mouth without second thought.   I told him that I needed to meet her before they spent any more time together.  He was going to have a prominent role in the community--this "relationship" couldn't just be him and this woman any more--if I was important, I needed to be part of the conversation.  He said ok, he'd try (but never did--although he says he did).

It wasn't until a month later that I saw text messages between the two on his iPad.   He was away on a trip (a church trip no less), and left me his iPad.  Since he had synced iMessages with his phone, texts between him and the woman popped up on the iPad...and because I have no self control, I read them.  All of them.   He was texting her late at night when I was at work trying to support our family.  He was calling her when he was lonely and not texting me.  He was making dates to stop by her place and bring her groceries on his way home from his job (without telling me).  He invited her over to our house to "help her with homework."  That night I called him and let him know he needed to figure out what he wanted and that he should not talk to her until we had the chance to talk--so obviously he just turned off iMessage and sent her a message late at night via text (asshole--still doesn't know that I know this).  Naturally I also looked at his Facebook messages--of course he was more worried that she would be upset that I wanted to meet her than that I was questioning his fidelity (after the hospital fiasco).

We planned on meeting with a counselor.  Obviously it brought up our issues (apparently there are a lot...so I'm wondering why we got married), but for me, it showed me that he was more worried about losing his relationship with this woman than about losing me...the woman that he had been with for nearly 7 years; the woman that he had committed his life to only 9 months earlier.  He actually shed tears.  His priority was this woman and her feelings, not mine.  How did we get to this point in our relationship where I wasn't his top priority.

That's what hurts me the most today.  Obviously I'm having a hard time trusting him, but that doesn't even matter if he is at the point where my feelings matter less than those of another woman.